Good grief. Of all the lies that are peddled about getting older – you feel more creative! You have a new lease of energy! Sex is better! - the sex one irks me the most. I mean sex probably is better (you are more comfy in your skin, less self conscious etc.) but how would you know? You are too exhausted/busy/stressed to remember to do it. When you do, it’s woo hoo fireworks all the way, obviously. But, let’s be honest, it’s not happening as much as people say it is and pretending otherwise is bad for morale. Here are some other things that are not happening on the midlife sex front.
1. Sex in unusual places
Like half way down the stairs, or in a photo-booth (remember that story) or, come to that, in your shower at home. Come on. The shower is barely big enough for one. You graze your elbows if you don’t stand stock still. In any case when you are well into midlife (bordering late life) only someone who has recently lost three stone and had a hair transplant is thinking about what I believe they call ‘Somebody Film Me’ sex.
2. Sex in the day
Or the middle of the night. Sex at any time that isn’t a Saturday night when the stars are in alignment (ie you haven’t had a curry, or started talking about whose fault it was that you ordered such a small shower) or, a scheduled midweek special occasion. (And date nights won’t work out if you accidentally order the 14 per cent Tempranillo).
3. Sex that starts with your clothes on
Because you get to a certain age and you’re far more concerned with preserving the buttons on your blouse. Crumpling stuff that you want to keep shipshape for the following day will put you off. Your stretchy dress getting overstretched will make you twitchy. You just get more clothes respectful in midlife. You might find yourself saying, ‘Watch out, they are Fogal!’
4. Acrobatic sex
By which I mean any positions other than the least challenging. I think they’re called repose and half resting. Anyway, low impact sex starts around the time you begin to experience phase one physical loss. His back goes; your shoulders (frozen). He gets cramp. You get a nerve pinching sensation in your hip. One or both of you is doing a weird whistling wheezing. (You sometimes pause to work out who is making the funny clicking noise).
5. Hotel room sex
This certainly can happen. But midlifers are funny about hotels. We think we're going to be all caution to the wind and breaking out the café au lait silk undies but hotels bring out the Which inspector in us. We want to know why, for this money, we are overlooking the air conditioning unit. We can’t turn down the radiator, and it is old people’s home hot. We become convinced that the sheets have been washed in Aerial biological. It’s a kind of neurosis brought on by paying for a sex friendly environment. Men, meanwhile, get stuck into the TV.
6. Turning off the TV in order to have sex
Not happening these days because the TV is too good (itals), there is a lot of it to get through, and then there’s all the recorded stuff, going right back to Mad Men. (Not being funny but there do seem to be a lot of distractions - property websites. Instagram. Youtube videos of pandas clinging onto keeper's legs - that were not an issue previously).
This has fallen off a cliff. We (ladies) can't be doing with all the pre-event grooming because it’s not worth the money unless you are guaranteed action but, conversely, you may feel you are not match ready if you don’t. Tricky.