Shane Watson: what Pippa needs to know before the big day

Dear Pippa, here are a few things you need to remember before your wedding day...
Dear Pippa, here are a few things you need to remember before your wedding day... Credit:  Dominic Lipinski

Just three weeks to go until the Middleton wedding and even party planner Pippa will be feeling the stress. Every bride worries about the same old things in the weeks before: will the dress still fit? Can Jim and Jan sit at the same table, now that they’re in court? But these are not the things that will get to you on the day. Pippa take note: 

You (the bride) don’t look like you on a good day 

You look OK, but you probably looked better last Friday, when you went for pizza. There is no accounting for this. It’s possible you’ve gone overboard on the eyeliner/hairspray. But then, it’s going to be a very long day.

No one will want to talk to you 

They don’t want to monopolise the bride, and then they don’t feel comfortable broaching any topic that doesn’t revolve around the dress/beautiful day. And, in this case, there are too many distractions. Namely Prince Harry and Spencer from MIC (the groom’s brother and best man) and You Know Who, beginning with M.

As hard as you may try, Pippa, it's probably best to face the fact that Prince Harry's girlfriend, Meghan Markle, will get more attention than you Credit: Jason Schmidt

Someone will bring someone when you expressly told them not to (better not be Spencer)

Your so-called friend Gigi might bring that Aussie from William’s bachelor skiing holiday in Verbier… that’s the sort of mischief we’re talking about.

Your mother will fixate on something early on

The buttonholes… whether the ushers are doing their job… or, on this occasion, the fact that You Know Who is wearing the colour that you nearly chose for your going-away dress and Is That A Coincidence?

It is your mother's job to get fixated on tiny details Credit:  David Hartley/REX/Shutterstock

Nothing prepares you for the onslaught of nervous sweat

Sew in some shields. Or, better still, Botox your armpits (painful, but better than having a Broadcast News moment).

The photographer is an idiot, even if you don’t yet know it 

Give him very strict instructions or you will end up with an album full of photographs of the groom’s gap-year girlfriends and, in your case, loads of You Know Who. 

Everyone will be some shade of drunk, apart from you 

You could get Prince Harry to tip you upside down and do the Spring Break thing with the hose and still… not a chance. Just saying. You may feel like Party Mom.

The best man will start out looking strong and then abandon his duties

It will be you (because who knows where the groom has got to) sorting out the overflow in the portaloos, ordering minicabs and trying to stop one of the guests from hassling the other guests for money, or in your case, money and autographs.

Someone will say something that will make you feel like punching them

 It could be “We all assumed he’d marry Laura!” or “Wow. Isn’t she looking amazing”. 

Someone will get ridiculously leathered

This may result in them interrupting the speeches, weeping into the mic, and telling everyone how much they Bloody Love You. If this person is Carole, just let it go.   Good luck.

Is it just me…

Prue Leith's comments on her family are highly contraversial in the world of modern grandparenting Credit: PA

Who was amazed by Prue Leith’s observation that her grandchildren “are incredibly badly behaved”? OMG. The granny that broke the first commandment – thou shalt not criticise other people’s children, inc close family. The nation’s gagged grannies will be punching the air, delighted that Prue has spoken up for strictly enforced bedtimes and reminded us what grannies used to be for – support and constructive criticism. Who can’t tell you that your children are spoilt, anxious, overfed etc if not your own mother? Her children won’t be thrilled, but she’s done us all a favour.

Is it OK to…

Mimi Spencer, the glamorous author of The Midlife Kitchen Credit:  Geoff Pugh

Be slightly downcast by the prospect of another healthy recipe book compiled by two lush brunettes? The Midlife Kitchen is bound to be a hit (one of the authors is The Fast Diet’s Mimi Spencer) but must all cooks now be fantastically fit females with glowing skin and long dark hair in short sleeveless dresses? It’s all very well encouraging us to eat sensibly, to feel better and look great, but it does make you nostalgic for the days of Fat Ladies and finger-licking Nigella, tiptoeing into the larder in her PJs to snaffle some leftover Death By Chocolate. Sigh.