Worried you won't have time to re-watch all 6 Star Wars movies ahead of The Force Awakens? We've helpfully condensed them all into one super-short film

Not got time to re-watch all three original Star Wars movies ahead of JJ Abrams's forthcoming The Force Awakens? Not got the inclination to re-watch the prequels? Here's our super-helpful (if only sporadically accurate) catch-up guide...

Star Wars: the short version

A long time ago, in a galaxy that’s definitely not all that close, Liam Neeson notices that a young boy is infested with creepy bug things.

The bugs (or midi-chlorians, if you want to use the catchier name) help the boy control a mystical force, known as… the Force. Use it for good? You’re a Jedi. Use it for evil? You’re a Sith. No bugs? You don’t get to be anything cool.

Jar Jar Binks happens. Liam Neeson dies. The boy ditches his terrible haircut , and realises he doesn’t like sand ( it’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere).But he does like Natalie Portman. She’s soft and smooth. She’s not like sand.

Meanwhile,  while everyone is busy talking about sand, Dracula puts together a droid army. Some guy  named Palpatine  begins an Evil Rise to Power. Turns out he’s really a Sith Lord called Darth Sidious.  He’s so sneaky!

Good news: Natalie Portman is pregnant! Bad news: its twins (no one wants twins).

Unable to cope with the idea of fathering twins, the boy EMBRACES THE POWER OF THE DARK SIDE and changes his name to Darth Vader (because anything’s better than Anakin). Portman dies. The boy gets a makeover. The twins live, but no one cares because they’re twins.

20 years happen. Twin One is now a princess. Twin Two lives on a farm, because sometimes life just isn't fair. And Palpatine’s now got an Empire. Darth Sidious? More like Darth Successful! 

Twin One – she’s called Leia, by the way – gets captured by the Empire, then rescued by  Alec Guinness , Twin Two (we can’t remember his name) and a bounty-hunted space smuggler called Han Solo ( who definitely shoots first).

Twin Two finds out that he has the Worst Dad Ever, and Han gets turned into ice as a pressie for a big fat space slug.  But wait! It’s not over yet.

 Han gets de-iced, Vader learns how to be a Real Dad, a tribe of man-eating teddies defeat the Empire, and everyone has a party. Some ghosts show up, but it’s all fine … until George Lucas discovers CGI.