You may have loved the return to Isla Nublar: good for you! But here are 17 reasons why the rest of us didn't. CONTAINS SPOILERS

1. We don’t see enough of the park

This was also the problem with Tomorrowland. There's a tantalising glimpse of the "assets", and how impressive Jurassic World is, but not nearly enough time soaking up the awe-inspiring sight of the dinosaurs. More of the park, please. And no, this does not mean the Samsung Innovation Center, although a Razzie for Worst Product Placement surely looms.

2. We don’t see enough women

“But all the dinosaurs are female,” bleats some joker, for eternity.

Twenty years after Jurassic Park, science can splice up brand new dinosaurs, and the “regular” kind are so boringly obvious that objectionable teens cannot be bothered to look at them. Yet science simply cannot design a human woman capable of being a practical, all-round capable individual! It must be all that #distractinglysexy business.

Trevorrow has assembled an impressively multicultural cast, which only serves to highlight the extreme lameness of the few women characters. There is uptight park manager woman who keeps having “what animals are” explained to her by exasperated computer tech guy who should have been Jeff Goldblum; perennially worried and powerless computer tech woman whose role is never made clear but she’s a female character so phew, that's one ticked off the list; and then there’s uptight British PA, who has a death so lingering and awful that you can’t work out whether she’s being punished for being British, or so badly written. And then there’s the children's Mom. You might have thought she worked as a high-powered lawyer given her early scene crying outside a conference room, but no! She’s just getting a divorce. Oh, Mom.

For a generation who, like Chris Pratt, grew up with the first film, it was cool that Dr Ellie Sattler was there. A woman paleobotanist, who knew things, like how to pronounce paleobotanist. Even Lex, John Hammond’s supremely annoying granddaughter, was welcome, because girls could think, “What an idiot. I would have been colossally braver.”

In Jurassic World, you can’t do this. There are no female role models – no well-written female characters, either, unless you look at the dinosaurs, and as pretty much all of them get blasted with guns by men, theirs is not a story arc that inspires great thoughts.

3. Running in heels

Bryce Dallas Howard does her absolute best to make more of her role as Uptight Female Who Will Loosen Up After Kissing Much Nicer Chilled Out Alpha Male. Unfortunately, she is gifted with the worst shoes possible for a dinosaur invasion: the stiletto heel.

Colin Trevorrow, have you ever tried to run in heels? Specifically, through marshland, or perhaps a jungle. Millions of women can assure you that simply crossing the lawn at a country wedding is difficult enough.  In the first film, a running T-Rex could happily keep pace with a Jeep at full throttle, yet Claire in heels can easily stay ahead of one here.

Props to Wardrobe for finding the one shoe maker in the world whose heels are indestructible – those puppies don’t break off once. Does the Jurassic World timeline crossover with X-Men? Are Wolverine’s adamantium claws now a legitimate cobbling material? Nothing breaks Claire’s heels, not even science!

4. Claire’s white suit gets more of a “journey” than Claire

How does it stay so clean! I did not see any credit to the Good Housekeeping Institute listed.

Credit: Chuck Zlotnick/Universal Pictures via AP

We must applaud the film’s many and varied scriptwriters for giving Claire’s outfit a storyline of its own – presumably getting her to take her blazer off was easier than giving its wearer any actual character development.

5. Health and safety

This is not the Victorian era, gentlemen. In order for Jurassic World to exist it must have safety protocols up the wazoo. An eccentric billionaire owner with a helicopter instructor strapped to his side is not sufficient cover. And if it has its own army of heavily armed soldiers ready to nuke the specimens, you can bet that there would be an army of beady-eyed inspectors in hi-vis vests and clipboards, not least around the canoeing area. Canoeing next to dinosaurs? Gyrospheres that can be driven by children, with no automatic recall system? Alrighty then! You can expect a letter from our legal team.

Credit: ILM/Universal Pictures/Amblin Entert

6. Peta would have shut down that Gentle Giants petting zoo

Small children are ghastly when on Shetland ponies, let alone on adorable baby Trikes. Yet not one protester showed up to argue the case for protecting the dinosaurs? There’s no social media campaign? No celebrities going “Triceratopless” in a magazine?

Similarly, nobody will authorise the killing of the Indominus because it represents millions of dollars of investment, but the baby dinos are totally fine to scatter around at the mercy of toddlers? No wonder this park isn’t making the profit it needs.

7. Jurassic World literally jumps the shark

How did they catch a great white shark for the mosasaur to snack on? And why was it so badly animated? Did they run out of budget? An homage to Spielberg’s Jaws looks more like a clip from Jaws 3. And aren’t great white sharks an extremely endangered species? This is a terrible example to be setting to the children of tomorrow, and should have been addressed in the Samsung Innovation Center.

8. And then it jumps it again


9. The apatosaurus death scene

That dinosaur chewed more scenery than the Royal Shakespeare Company on press night.

10. Evil, and strangely incompetent, security chiefs

Anyone in the security industry watching Vincent d’Onofrio as Hoskins, Jurassic World’s head of security, will be sighing and going, “Well, this is even worse for us than Paul Blart: Mall Cop.”

Hoskins is an idiot, an idiot with distractingly white teeth. Presumably this is how he has managed to disguise the fact that he genuinely thinks velociraptors would be sensible addition to the US Army.

11. What is Owen training the raptors for?

Anyone? Anyone at all?

12. Indominus controlling the velociraptors

How can this brand new species of dinosaur communicate with the raptors? Have they watched How To Train Your Dragon? Even if it is part raptor, would that not be a bit like being French and confronted with a Spaniard? If you brought up a duck in complete isolation, would it know how to speak to other ducks?

13. That idiot teenager

Zach is 16, yet just stares at girls. This would have passed no problem in the Eighties, but modern teenagers are actually quite articulate. If he grows up to be a serial killer, we will know why. Rather than tell him to do one, the girls just giggle as though they’ve fallen out of an episode of Baywatch.

14. That Jeep resurrection

However impressive Zach’s car whispering may be, you can’t repair a car that’s been in a shed for nigh on 20 years in half an hour. The tyres would have fallen apart. If they hadn't, they’d have gone flat: the rubber would harden and you would have a flat spot. Indominus would have barked with mirth and used the car as a football, which given how irritating Zach was, would not have been any significant loss.

15. Terrible relationship advice

If your marriage is failing, put your children’s lives in danger. This will miraculously solve every problem with your marriage, even though literally none of them have anything to do with your children.

If you can’t find a partner, put your own life in danger. You will both completely forget your overarching incompatibility and the fact neither of you fancies the other. As anyone who, like Claire and Owen, has been on one, terrible date will know, this will not lend itself to rampant snogs, however much you have been imperilled. Far more realistic would have been Claire doing what the dinosaurs do: roaring her survival at the universe. Or maybe getting drunk on tequila and going on a bender on Tinder.


This is not a war film.


This is still not a war film, regardless of how many dinosaurs have been shot.