The five types of Hallowe'en parent: are you a worshipper or a refusenik?

Are you a Hallowe'en refusenik or worshipper?
Are you a Hallowe'en refusenik or worshipper? Credit: Getty

Love it or loathe it, Hallowe'en is upon us. But is it more toil and trouble than it’s worth? Sophie Tweedale, (a self-confessed Hallowe'en refusenik) delves into the murky and amusing world of parenting at Hallowe'en...

1. The Pinterest Parent

Read my lips. Hallowe'en is not about the kids, it’s all about the ‘gram. The mere thought of those poor, unprepped parents Instagraming little Ottilie in a multi-pack of bin bags with the eyes cut out makes you shiver. This year you have raised your game, you’ve nailed those trending Milky Way constellations in neon face paint. It only took five hours. No gammy netting and silly string for this Insta-on fleek parent. As you gaze at the life sized replica of Hogwarts you lovingly honed from Granola boxes you well up at your life choices. Now to get the cat into that hand-crafted spider outfit...

2. The Ironic Hallowe'ener

They pretend not to be bothered. Oh, but they are. Guaranteed to rock up to any party dressed as the cast of an achingly cool Netflix show you’ve never seen. Of course little Myrtle wanted to come as Eleven from Stranger Things, she totally loves it. Myrtle’s eyes tell you she wanted to be unicorn. Mum and dad on the other hand shun costumes, perish the thought. Dad will this year be casually sporting an ironic Alexander McQueen’s £185 skull print tee (this old thing?), whilst mum will have happened to bring along her new season Anya Hindmarch Gloomy Eyes clutch (£175). It’s all about the accents. Next year they’re ‘not’ doing Hallowe'en in Mexico, at a real Dia de los Muertos carnival.

3. The Hallowe'en Refusenik

You know who you are. The deniers. The refuseniks. Let’s be honest, who on earth put Hallowe'en at the end of half term anyway? The unending agony of trying to avoid the flashing skulls and flossing skeletons you know they’ll want on every supermarket trip is almost too much. So you leave it until the last minute. Knowing full well on the night before you’ll be rummaging in the back of a mothy cupboard, cursing, as you attempt to create a costume out of one sad, tattered Unicorn Cat Ear Headband, some Harry Potter glasses, a surgical smock and a bent wand. The Teach-Your-Child-Resilience tick box well and truly ticked off there I think you’ll find. At least that's what you tell yourself.

4. The Holy Guacamole Gang

There’s one thing worse than being dragged around the neighbourhood dressed as a beardy, female Gandalf, and that’s having to grit your teeth as they get handed half their body weight in sweets. But Guacamole Mum feels an inner calm that permeates her being at Hallowe'en, she knows they’ll be replaced, when said children aren’t looking, for organic, gluten free, fun ‘treats’. Chia-seed apricots anyone? The thought of the seismic tantrums to come makes her twitch, but it’ll be fine. they’ll be fully distracted by the veggie skeletons, asparagus ‘ghoul’ fingers and falafel fiend balls awaiting them for tea. They won’t.

5. The Worshipper

Behold the parent that adores Hallowe'en more than the kids. Only some of us are brave enough to let this inner voice out. Christmas? … So passe. Easter?… So 2017. Nope, Hallowe'en is where it’s at. Every October you’re the one parent in the class that holds ‘the party’. The kids are already rolling their eyes at the impending ‘pranks’ you’ll be pulling. What’s not to love about a howling toilet flusher? Who’s for another round of wrap up the mummies in bog roll? When it’s all over, and everyone’s horizontal in a sugar coma, you’ll sit back and bask in the sea of tat you’ve yet again acquired, wondering how it will all fit in the loft, and if it it’s too early to start planning next year...

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