The 50 best jokes and funniest one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe over the years

Lamenting the loss of late-night laughs in Edinburgh this year? We've got you covered.

best edinburgh fringe jokes all time
(from L to R) Adele Cliff, Phil Wang and Isma Almas

For the first time in more than 70 years, the Edinburgh Fringe is not going ahead this summer. But never fear – for those pining for the glory days of Pleasance Courtyard, we've got a round-up of the 50 funniest jokes from the last few years, as selected by the comics themselves or voted for by festival-goers for the Dave's Funniest Joke At The Fringe award.

1. “I put on Lynx Africa, because I know what women want – they want you to smell like a systematically oppressed continent.”

– Jonny Pelham, 2019

2. “I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts​.”

– Ivo Graham, 2019

3. “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.”

– Mark Nelson, 2015

4. “Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

–  Adam Rowe, 2018

5. “In the end, I beat him black and blue – or white and gold, depending on what colour you thought that dress was.”

– James McNicholas, 2019

6. “My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.”

– Susan Murray, 2004

7. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.”

– Tiff Stevenson, 2016

8. “Surely every car is a people carrier?”

– Adam Hess, 2015

9. “I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it’s like this all the time.”

– Laura Lexx, 2018

10. “Trump said he’d build a wall but he hasn’t even picked up a brick. He’s just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project.”

– Justin Moorhouse, 2018

Ivo Graham Credit: Matt Stronge

11. “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

– Stewart Francis, 2012

12. “When I really love someone, I put all my eggs in one bastard.” 

– Brodi Snook

13. “The plot of Macbeth reads like Michael Gove’s autobiography.”

– Clive Anderson, 2019

14. “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go.”

– Dave Green, 2015

15. “For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.”

– Phil Wang, 2017

16. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.”

– Jordan Brookes, 2016

17. “I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' – I think I might have florets.”

– Olaf Falafel, 2019

18. “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.”

– Mark Smith, 2016

19. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.”

– Masai Graham, 2016

20. “Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”

– Dan Antopolski, 2009

Laura Lexx performing at the Fringe 2018 Credit: Roberto Ricciuti

21. “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about Kanye West.” 

– Stewart Francis, 2015

22. “I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.”

– Lew Fitz, 2017

23. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.”

– Adele Cliff, 2016

 24. “My dad’s a foster parent, whereas my mother has always preferred Carlsberg.”

– Tom Taylor, 2019

25. “Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?”

– Alex Edelman, 2018

26. “Kids love me – just not the one I adopted.”

– Isma Almas, 2019

27. “The Beaver parade is no place for pussies.”

– Lucy Porter, 2019

28. “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. ”

– Angela Barnes, 2017

29. “My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.”

– Goose, 2019

30. “I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed”

– Olaf Falafel, 2018

Adam Rowe, winner of the 2018 Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe award Credit: UKTV Dave/Martina Salvi

31. “In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me”

– Daniel Audritt, 2018

32. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.”

– Frankie Boyle, 2017

33. “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.”

– Andy Field, 2017

34. “I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it”

– Adele Cliff, 2018

35. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”

– Ken Cheng, 2017

36. “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

– Rob Auton, 2013

37. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use.  Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second.”

– Will Duggan, 2016

38. “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.”

– Mark Simmons, 2017

39. “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

– Tim Vine, 2010

40. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.”

– Gary Delaney, 2016

James McNicholas Credit: Idil Sukan

41. “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.”

– Ed Byrne, 2017

42. “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.”

– Olaf Falafel, 2017

43. “They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for...”

– Grace The Child, 2015

44. “Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day.”

– Tom Parry, 2015

45. “I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.”

– Tim Vine, 2017

46. “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…”

– Stuart Mitchell, 2016

47. “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.”

– Darren Walsh, 2015

48. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.”

– Mark Watson, 2016

49. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?”

– Annie McGrath, 2019

50. “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.”

– Simon Munnery, 2015

Which of the 50 jokes above would nominate as the best? Or perhaps you'd like to put forward your own contribution. Let us know in the comments section below.